‘I remember thinking...if I don’t leave this house, I’m going to die in here'

Charlie Cooke* didn’t have it easy growing up. The only way for them to survive was to move half way across the world. Charlie shares all with Courtney Stevens.

Charlie Cooke’s music comes blaring through the speakers as we log onto our zoom call. “Sorry, I didn’t realise we’d started,” they say, their Australian accent coming through perfectly.

“I can’t get my camera to work, so I put makeup on for nothing,” they deadpan, “I even broke an eyeliner pen.” Safe to say this interview didn’t get off to the best of starts, but Charlie’s friendly charm is enough to put anyone at ease.

Charlie has been living in London for the past six years after fleeing their home country of Australia in 2017 at just 20 years old. “I knew from a very young age that I was going to have to move,” they state, “I remember having this thought at 14 or 15, thinking ‘if I don’t leave this house, I’m going to die in here.”

Charlie, now 26, grew up in an abusive household. “My earliest recollections of abuse were probably from about the age of four,” they say. The abuse Charlie endured was both emotional and physical, however the physical abuse started to fade out as they got older and were able to defend themselves.

The abuse wasn’t something Charlie tried to hide. “I told friends, teachers, parents of friends, my grandparents, anyone who would listen,” they say, “People were supportive in a ‘that sucks’ kind of way, but they didn’t really know what to do with what they were hearing.”

Charlie says the abuse came from both parents and is something that has put a strain on their relationship with their younger brother. “He doesn’t see them as abusive and doesn’t feel that he was abused in anyway,” they explain, “I was the oldest, so I think I was more of a guinea pig test child. I was seen as an extension of them rather than my own person.”

Charlie doesn’t think that there was one specific reason for the abuse, but also doesn’t think it was totally random either. They hinted at the fact that their dad was heavily abused when he was kid and that their mum was very narcissistic in her parenting.

The abuse manifested itself in different ways. “I remember if I couldn’t sleep or I felt ill or I had nightmares and going to my mum and saying I’m really scared, and instead of getting that comfort and maternal instinct you’d expect, I would get yelled at,” they say, “I would have anxiety attacks so bad that I vomited.”

Another time they recall was when they had a big fight with their parents when they were around 14 or 15 years-old, “My dad called me damaged baggage and my mum was threatening to throw dinner plates at my head from across the room.”

Charlie says the physical abuse didn’t occur as often but remembers one time them and their brother getting hit together as children with a wooden spoon. There was also one time when they were grabbed tightly round the wrist when they were looking for food which left bruising.

One particular instance that stands out for Charlie was when they were younger, “I used to have horse riding lessons and I remember I caught my leg on the live wire fence and got electrocuted pretty badly. It was this searing pain, and my first thought wasn’t ‘oh, I’ve just been electrocuted’, my first thought was ‘oh, my dad has just hit me’ because that’s what I associated that pain with.”

Away form home : The view from Charlie's home back in Australia.

This upbringing, understandably, had a big impact on Charlie whilst they were growing up. “I didn’t really have any friends and I found it hard to trust other adults in my life,” they say, “I struggled with disordered eating and there were quite a few suicide attempts.”

These suicide attempts, started around age ten, and carried on until they were around 16 years-old.

Since being in London, Charlie has been working on overcoming their intrusive thoughts and has spent time processing her feelings. Charlie had seen psychologists and counsellors when they were younger, but they were pulled out of sessions by their parents as they didn’t see the point in them.

Charlie has now been in regular therapy since mid-December last year and has said the independence they’ve gained since living over here has been unparalleled, “Not being physically around them and influenced by them has definitely helped. I think this self-imposed exile was probably necessary in a way.”

Charlie no longer has any contact with their parents, but is extremely close with their grandparents who still live in Australia. “I still struggle trusting my own instincts and there is a lot of unlearning of dangerous coping mechanisms. I know I’ll never be fully healed, but I am definitely getting better,” they say.

Now Charlie is focussing on creating a new life for themselves, “It’s been incredible having the freedom to do what I want.” Charlie is a singer-songwriter and is currently working on their next album, which they say is a mix of genres, “It’s mainly indie-rock, but it depends on the song. Some are more acoustic, some are heavy punk and there’s lots of rock.”

Charlie is also currently in talks with a publisher about a screenplay they have written which they descried as a horror.

Looking to the future, Charlie says they want to “Keep going through therapy, keep meeting new people, having amazing experiences, and explore the world.”

“Right now is probably the most me I’ve ever been, but’s it’s not the most me I will be. I think it’s really exciting that I still haven’t met all of myself yet.”

*Charlie Cooke’s name has been changed to protect their identity.