'I was suicidal pretty much every day from the age of 11 to 21'

Holly Jones* has lived an unconventional life. Here she bares all to Courtney Stevens sharing the shocking details about what life was like growing up in a cult.

Holly Jones sits back in her chair, the word feminist is written across her jumper. “I am now one of those normal people I used to be jealous of,” she says, with a smile. Holly, now 24, never envisaged this would be the case.

Holly, of Reading, grew up differently to most people. Her parents were members of a Christian church and she was home schooled along with her three siblings. They were taught through the Accelerated Christian education curriculum (ACE).

“I think I was always lonely,” she says, looking back on those years. In the town she grew up there was only one other family who followed the same lifestyle.

Holly looked forward to two weeks of the year where families following the same beliefs would go away together for a week-long summer camp in Wales and a week-long convention over easter. This, she explains was a week of competitions where they would take part in extracurricular activities such as netball, swimming, cross-stitch, and photography. This was the only time during the year she could socialise with people who were not her siblings.

For Holly, being home schooled meant that she missed out on most life lessons people her age would have experienced.

“I don’t think I’d ever been in a classroom until my first seminar as an undergraduate,” she recalls, “I remember when I was about six or seven and going to the park with my mum and siblings and seeing this girl in one of those check school dresses and just being so jealous that she got to wear a colourful uniform.”

To deal with the isolation, Holly would often make up imaginary friends which she now recognises was a coping mechanism. Looking back at her first year of university, it was hard to adjust to a new way of life and to make friends. “It was like everyone was speaking a different language,” she says when talking about how she didn’t understand any pop culture references her flat mates would use. “They were talking about the tv show Friends, which I had never heard of. Looking back on that now I just find it funny because who hasn’t heard of Friends?” laughs Holly. These days she still struggles with adjusting to normal life, but she has the confidence to admit that she grew up differently to most and she now has the social awareness to communicate with others.

Even though Holly started to separate herself from the church and her parents beliefs in 2017 she is still on the path to finding out who she is as a person and working through the long-lasting effects of her childhood. Holly has struggled with her mental health and even though she has left her parents house physically, mentally she is still working through all she was made to believe. When she sits down to eat, she still finds herself thanking God for the food or when she goes to bed sometimes, she will ask God for forgiveness for her sins. These habits have been difficult to work through as they were so ingrained in her memory, she says.

The church Holly was part of was patriarchal, anti-evolutionary and homophobic. When she was 14, her youth leader told Holly she was a lesbian. “I cried for a solid two hours because I was convinced she was going to hell and I tried to talk her out of it,” Holly remembers.

The youth group was the one time a week when Holly was able to be with people her own age, so when her dad found out about her youth leader being a lesbian it took a lot of negotiating for Holly to still be allowed to go. “She wasn’t allowed to put her hands on me in prayer because they believed that’s how you spread the gay,” Holly explains.

It wasn’t just a normal school life that Holly missed out on. ACE has a procedures manual for schools and home schools to use which includes sections on how to spank a child properly with a wooden paddle. This abuse was something Holly experienced often. “Pretty much every day from when I was three until I started standing up for myself when I was 16,” Holly explains.

She recalls how she was the one out of her siblings to receive the most punishment and how she used to be terrified of hearing the key in the lock because it meant her father was home and she was going to get in trouble. “I think that feeling of never being good enough has had a really lasting effect on me,” Holly states.

Holly has been in therapy since her first year of university and has been on medication since 2021, which has changed her life. “I was suicidal pretty much every day from the age of 11 to 21,” she frowns. The first session she had was difficult, but she was so desperate for help that she decided to keep going in the hopes that some of it would be helpful. “Medication has made my life liveable and I actually started enjoying things again,” Holly says.

Now Holly is looking forward to what’s next for her in life. She’s more confident and has made friends during her time at university. Holly smiles as she says, “I’ve had my ears pierced, this is the shortest I’ve ever had my hair, I’m wearing a jumper that has feminist written across it. It’s just nice to be able to be me. If someone says you’re normal, it’s seen as kind of an insult, but for me it’s one of the biggest compliments someone can give me.”

*Holly’s name has been changed to protect her identity