Why women are embracing sobriety and thriving

“If I drank in the house, I could knock back three bottles of prosecco every night on the weekend,” says Stef Smith, 40, “If I went out, I couldn’t just have one or two, I would stay out until the birds were tweeting.”

Stef first went sober in September 2021 after seeing a post on Facebook that someone she used to go out drinking with had just completed six months in rehab. “I thought, why has she gone into recovery because she drinks like me and I’m not an alcoholic.”

Stef had been drinking a lot more during the covid lockdowns and had noticed that her anxiety was getting worse, to the point where she couldn’t speak on the phone at work and had started taking medication from the doctors.

“I thought that because I wasn’t an alcoholic, then I couldn’t have a problem with drinking,” Stef says. It was seeing her friends post that mad her decide to take a month off the booze. It was the first time she’d had a long period off alcohol since she was about 14 years old. “It was really difficult, the weekend would come around and I would just be craving a drink.”

By the end of that one month, Stef’s anxiety had gone, her skin had cleared up, she’d lost weight and she was feeling good in herself. She decided to carry on this sober journey and lasted until December of that same year before she started drinking again because of her birthday and Christmas. “I started drinking again and then my anxiety came back. That’s when I knew that drinking was definitely connected to how I was feeling,” she says.

Stef isn’t the only one who has been focusing on reducing or cutting out booze from their life. The last few years have seen a growing trend in people choosing to live a sober or sober-curious lifestyle, particularly young adults and women.

According to research by the NHS, 21% of adults said they had not drunk alcohol in the past year (2021), with 19% of men and 24% of women saying they had not drunk alcohol in that same time frame. Research by Drinkaware published in 2023 found that those aged between 18 to 34, compared to those aged between 35 and 54, with the over 55’s drinking the most often out of all age groups.

Stef isn’t alone when it comes to trying to change the narrative surrounding sobriety. Millie Gooch, decided to go sober back in February 2018 when she was 26 years old due to the effect that alcohol was having on her mental health. It’s safe to say she hasn’t looked back since.

“Before going sober I only ever cared about going out getting drunk. I was stuck in a cycle of binge drinking,” she says. Similar to Stef, Millie says she had her first drink around age 14, but it wasn’t until she went to university where she noticed her relationship with alcohol change. “I was probably drinking three or four times a week, but I always justified it to myself by telling myself that it was just a phase I was going through because I was young and having fun.”

Millie’s sober journey started one morning after waking up with that feeling of a dreaded hangover that she had become accustomed to. She knew at that point that her relationship with alcohol needed to end and downloaded The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober on Audible and hasn’t drunk since. 

“I started slowly by turning down one drink at a time and I just told people that I wasn’t going to be drinking for the time being,” she says, “It was tough at the beginning because for most of my adult life I hadn’t ever socialised whilst being sober. It was quite terrifying.”

Both Stef and Millie have used their experiences to create sober communities where people from all walks of life can make friends and socialise in ways that don’t involve drinking.

Stef has gone on to found Flamingo AF, an alcohol free events company, with her friend Lily. The two met through TikTok after Lily commented on one of Stef’s videos asking if she could be her best friend. They clicked straight away and the company just progressed naturally.

Stef (right) with her business partner Lily (left).

“Flamingo AF started because we wanted to do something for people in our area who are sober,” Stef says, “We put on these immersive parties where anybody is welcome and the community we’ve built has helped us to create things like a book club, group walks, and monthly check ins where a new topic is discussed each month.”

When they were first starting out the two women ran a 30 day marketing campaign to get a celebrity to mention their brand - Stef is reluctant to mention the name due to recent bad press surrounding the person. The campaign worked and the pair were invited to his festival to deliver a workshop which helped create a buzz and excitement for their new business venture.

“Flamingo AF is what keeps me going,” Steff says, “The community aspect of it means so much, true friendships have been formed from what we’ve done and people are sending us pictures of tattoos they’ve gotten of a flamingo. It’s crazy to think that we’re having an impact on people that have never met us.”

The name was Stef’s idea. She was coming back from a camping weekend with friends when they decided to blow up a pink flamingo they had in the campervan and sail on it down their local canal. “All the locals came out and were cheering us on and we ended up all over the papers. It was a really nice story about how you don’t need to be drunk to have fun.”

The flamingo became the sign of sober fun after that - although Stef tells me they do have to be careful as they found out after setting up the company that the flamingo is actually the sign for swinging.

Millie has a background in journalism and founded the Sober Girl Society just seven months after deciding to go sober. It has gone on to become the largest community for sober and sober-curious women, hosting events from bottomless brunches to dance classes all over the UK and running a virtual meet up every Saturday for people to meet each other and connect, whilst also providing tips and resources on how to embark on a sober lifestyle.

Millie hosting one of her Sober Girl Society events

“I started the Sober Girl Society because I craved a space where women could openly discuss sobriety without judgement,” Millie says, “It’s a constant source of support, laughter and shared experiences and has now become my full time job.”

Alongside the society, Millie has also gone on to write the Sober Girl Society handbook, a book sharing her insights and perspectives on how drinking less can lead to living more. “I wanted to write the book as I didn’t feel like there was anything like this out there for young women. There are so many great books out there focusing on how to give up alcohol, but not many focusing on how to navigate all the parts of sobriety like socialising.”

Millie is also an ambassador for Alcohol Change UK and has also started studying for a master’s degree in addiction and mental health which she hopes will help expand her knowledge on the subject and help her to speak about er own experiences with the science to back it up.

Since going sober both Stef and Millie have been on journey of rediscovering themselves and have built up the relationships with those around them. “My social circles have definitely changed and there’s been a shift in my bond with people,” says Stef, “I used to think that everything revolved around alcohol, I didn’t know how to relax or have fun without it. Since going sober I’ve learnt to trust myself more, I’ve learnt to value myself and my opinions and I’m not afraid to fail or make a mistake.”

Millie says that her relationships with her friends and family have definitely changed, “I’m much more present when I’m with them and our bonds are a lot stronger now.” Her relationship with herself has also changed since giving up alcohol, “It may sound really cliché but it’s given me the belief in myself to think that anything is possible and that I can do things that may seem tough or scary.”

This new found fascination with going sober doesn’t feel like it’s just the next big trend floating around social media. It feels like something that is here to stay and with all the resources available now seems like the perfect time to start embracing living a more sober-curious lifestyle.